If the World Were Any Crueler
by Hotpunk87
Summary: I find this quite touching later on, but you wouldnt know cuz this is only the begining! I have it all planned out and Im sorry if you think its long... I like long! Well, its about Sirius Black and his life, mostly to do with his friends and family. some
1. I was afraid... Maybe I still am...

If the World Were Any Crueler

-

If the world were any crueler where would we be today?

All I could think was if _anything _could be _any _worse. My world had been turned completely inside out. Nothing was right anymore. Everything was wrong… just wrong.

I suppose it all started with having friends. My first friends—Remus Lupin and James Potter. I met the rat later. I hold the day I met James and Remus close to my heart. They were like family to me. Now Remus knows nothing of where I am. I miss him. James is dead. I miss him more. I was lucky to see Remus once more… two years back. I will see him again soon at least. 

Harry—Harry looks so much like James… I feel as though my heart has been severed when I see him… but at the same time, I feel a happiness I never knew. James' kid. James' son, the one James and Lily died for… here. He knew the truth. I am glad and I prey things will get better… not only for me… for everyone…

But my life has been wasted.

I feel an empty hole in my heart where James and Lily had once belonged. And a longing to see my other friends again. Though in my heart I know I will… I dread the day I face Scarlett…

Scarlett… how could I forget my dear Scarlett… The love we had was unbreakable… what is she doing now? Does she know the truth? Has moony told her? No… he would leave me to tell her… sensible Moony. But I wish you had told her… it would be much easier. It is cold out here. So very cold. The snow is piling up. I am afraid… for the first time since James and Lily were killed… I am afraid once more…

I wish someone were here to help me… to comfort me… anyone.

Anyone… Remus? Scarlett? Even Harry would do… I just need someone to talk to… but I don't know where I am anymore. I have been lost. In this woods where a burden has been placed upon me. I must survive! If not for Harry, then for Remus and Scarlett! 

I can no longer feel my paws as I pad down a path. I wonder… is this a muggle path? No… This smell in the air… so oddly familiar… I know someone around here.

My heart is racing. There is something watching me. I feel my hackles raising involentarily. I look around but nothing is there. But I smell it… the unusual smell of a familiar friend… a friend. I feel myself falling into the snow. I cant hold up much longer. This intense cold… this hunger… I cant do this, god! I cant!

But I know what your saying now. Your saying "Sirius, you _can _do it. Have faith!" but how can I have faith after what you have set upon me? For once in my life I want happiness… the happiness I used to have when I was at Hogwarts.

The familiar smell still haunts me as the world blacks out about my head. I wonder to myself if anyone cared enough to care that I could be dead. No of course not. Sirius Black got a grip why would anyone care about _you? _Yeah, _you_, killed Lily and James! Its all your fault…

What is that smell?

Its so close… dear god… I look up to the stary sky at the moon in clear viewing, the trees seeming to part.

Moony…

~-~-~-~-~

She sits there staring into the meadow, her eyes linger slightly on a small bird pecking for worms, but she eventually turns her sight to a picture on the window sill. The picture showed a handsome man, about 19 or 20, with jet-black hair and blue eyes which shone mischeiviously, and a smile to match. He was handsome. In his arms he was holding a girl, around 18, who was laughing idiotically as the man swung her around in his arms. He was a strong one, that Sirius. The woman thought grimly. Able to pick me up and throw me around in his arms like that without even straining. She grabbed the picture and threw it against a wall. It shattered.

She looked into the mirror. She hadnt changed at all over the years, really. Her auburn hair glowed with a deep scarlett color to it. Her eyes were a deep blue, nearly purple. She was very beautiful but she didn't see any beauty.

I am dead. Maybe not physically but mentally, I am dead. My heart died 15 years ago. I have hope now though. Remus has visited me. He tries to convince me to keep myself alive. To eat. I do for him. He has lost more than I have. He is my only friend left… 

And _I _to _him_

He seemed so cheery though. He said better times were yet to come… What does he mean by that?

Better times will never come for me. I am 33 and I promise I will keep myself alive at least till 40. I cry at night sometimes… I don't know why I confide to tell you these things. I cry about _him…_I cant believe he could do that… to Lily and James… Why would he… how could he?

She sighed.

I miss him and I cant live without him. I want him dead but at the same time I _need him alive!!!_

She looked outside again. Darkness had come. She looked up to the full moon.

Remus, I hope your alright during your transformations. 

I couldn't stand to lose more if… something happened…

~-~-~-~-~-~

Warmth… I feel it now… I havent felt it in years… I was close to feeling it many times… but Azkaban's memories prevented me… Now I was feeling it… warmth.

I open my eyes to brightness. Cheery yellow wallpaper with white trimmings. A fireplace next to me. I stare at the picture on the mantelpeice. The four boys standing there showing off their new identical tattoos on their arms made his mouth go dry with sadness.

The one on the right, Peter. He was the odd one out. Always on the edge of things. He was the only one not smilling in the picture. Why didn't we notice then how peculiar he was? It would have turned out so much better… The next one… the next one is I, Sirius Black. I had a cunning smile. Something I lost in Azkaban as well. It shall return, I know, but I have yet to see the day. My hair was falling into my face. I always liked my hair like that. Even now my hair does that. The next person… James. James Potter, leader of the marauders. His dark hair was falling into his face. The memories… painful but good. 

Where am I? Not only had that thought totally slipped my mind, but so did the vase I had picked up to look at, as someone grabbed my shoulder. I fell. I didn't need to fall but it reminded me… of…of _them_…

The guards at Azkaban who were there to make sure the dementers were under control had a tendancy to abuse the prisoners… and thoroughly enjoy it. I fell to my knees and covered my head for protection against whatever was coming. I don't know why, usually in this case I would have spun around to see whom it was… but lately my mind had been in Azkaban… at what I would have done _there._

"Sirius?" Asked a concerned voice. "Sirius, it's ok. It's me, Remus." He said. I knew why he sounded so damn concerned. He wasn't supposed to know how evil the guards were. Nobody was supposed to know how they treated anyone. People thought that the dementors were enough and that if the guards were cruel too, they wouldn't agree. I peered up and stood, very weakly. I dare not look Remus in the eye, as when I did in the past he had a tendancy to know what was going on.

"Sirius, are you alright? Your lucky I had been wondering in wolf form. If I had decided to stay inside you would have died for sure."

I stayed quiet, not sure that I could speak… he had no idea what I had been through since last year, when I spoke to him breifly.

It had all been terribly difficult. I had nearly died numerous times. I had gotten others in danger, and I felt guilty for more than I could handle. I found what a wonderful color red was… red flowers, red christmas wrapping, red blood…

He sensed the dark memories in me and forced me to sit down. His mood had gotten harder. He needed to know what was wrong with his friend. He wanted to help and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Sirius tell me whats wrong. _Now._" He said firmly. Often times, because he was a werewolf people would listen to him when he took that tone. Oh, Moony, your forgetting who your talking to. Remus slumped his shoulders frustratedly after a few moments.

"Sirius. I swear I will get Scarlett here if you don't talk."

"Fine." He croaked out, his voice hoarse from the forcefulness of it. "Get her. I don't care. You will not know what is wrong. There _is _nothing wrong." I lied. Of course something was wrong. But I told the truth at 'you will not know what is wrong'.

He sighed. Remus isnt one to make threats and not forfill them if his word is not met. So he grabbed a quill.

"You sure?" He said half-expecting me to stop him. _Moony you idiot, getting Scarlett here would never change anything, I actually want to see her, of course this gives me the chance to tell her the truth…_

Remus wrote a quick note and sent it out. Clearly he was disapointed. 

"Sirius, please, I find you out there, starving and frozen. I took you into here to help you and when you wake up your worse than you were when you first got here… I need to know whats wrong… Why don't you trust me? You can tell me!" He exclaimed. I heard the hurt in his voice.

He's thinking about Peter. About why I chose Peter over him. 

I shook my head. I cant tell him. Why cant I tell him? Why? I am just being stubborn now… Oh well. I feel I am doing right not telling him. He takes things too far. He will not ever know about the terrible things I saw…

He heard the knock on the door and I felt myself stiffen. _Dear god I should have stopped him! _I thought bitterly. Remus saw the fear on my face.

" I could send her away if you tell me…"

He squeezed my eyes shut. No I cant handle seeing her again. Not now.

I nodded. Remus grinned forcfully. And went to the door. I listened closely.

"Remus? What is it?" she asked… Scarlett… my Scarlett… I wanted so much just to run over there and kiss her. I barely remember what she looks like… but I remember her voice… her soothing voice.

"Nothing anymore… could you wait in the kitchen just in case though?"

She responded in a suspicious voice "Alright…"

When Remus came back he sat down across from me, I had tears streaming down my face. Scarletts voice… the only memory I had of her.

"Sirius?"

I snapped. I was sobbing relentlessly and blabbering on and on about the terrors I had had over the past year. So many most would think that someone would have died. I nearly did. A many of times. I found myself on the floor enentually. I was curled in a ball huddled on the floor sobbing into my knees while Remus stared. I had talked myself into hysterics. When I gained control I didn't remember what I had done, but a vase had crashed onto the floor next to me and was in ruins. The window was cracked. I suspected I had thrown something at it.

Remus and I heard a voice from the kitchen.

"R-remus? Whats going on…?" it was a frieghtened voice. A concerned voice more like it.

Remus glanced at me. I understood. After being around each other so much we understood lots. I was still in a ball on the floor. I moved to the corner of the room. The darkest corner I could, and I sat there crying into my robes. I knew he was telling her about me. About the truth, knowing that I probably never would. 

I was afraid. I still am afraid.

-

Please R/R. I might have more if people like this so far. This is more like a prolougue to the story but I am still having it as a chapter… get it? Like a chapter one = prolouge sort of thing. Please tell me if I should continue by REVIEWING! PS I am sensative to mean comments… ****sniff sniff**** don't make me cry….


	2. 

If the World Were Any Crueler

If the World Were Any Crueler

I cant help being scared. The moment anything happens it imidiatly reminds me of the past. The horror of my past. My soul is heavily weighed by this. A hand on my shoulder, the feeling of someone watching me… It all leads to the memories.

I stay huddled in the corner of the room for nearly an hour. Remus reentered the room with someone hidden behind him. She didn't want to be seen. I knew it was Scarlett. She was afraid. I had a knack for sensing freight. I had lived with it half my life.

She stood there for awhile. She peeked out eventually and stepped out. I had stopped blubbering long before but my face showed the signs that I had in fact been crying. Remus stepped away from Scarlett and went to fix the vase. He tut-tutted.

"Sirius, you've managed to kill my vase and crack my window. If I were a muggle I'd be out to kill." HE said trying to lighten the mood. I glared at him. I realized I must have an evil look on because Scarlett backed away. I didn't mind. I wished she would leave… I wished everyone would leave… After being able to talk… I felt the longing to be alone once more.

That longing, I had thought, had dissapeared once I got into Azkaban. The feeling that I had felt before I met James and Remus and… nevermind. I don't care.

This world is fucking messed up. I don't care anymore.

Scarlett sat down on the couch, avoiding my hard stare. She seemed to be so overwhelmed with new information that she had gotten a large headache.

I sniggered. I couldn't help it. For some reason, I felt like blaming everything on her.

Remus was staring at me I realized. I looked to him, my face half hidden in shadows from the corner. I knew what he was saying.

He was saying "What are you doing?" Being the same Moony. Always trying to help others who don't want the help. He told her about the truth, now get her out and leave me be.

I buried my face back into my knees. Scarlett was hiding herself behind cushions on the couch but was watching me still. She glanced to Remus questioningly.

Remus turned to me I lifted my head so that only my eyes shone in the darkness of the corner.

"Sirius, I didn't tell Scarlett about anything that came after you escaped. I think you should tell her—just don't brake anything please!" He said as he backed to the door. He looked at Scarlett and walked out shutting the door behind him.

"Go away." Was all I said.

Scarlett got up, appearantly whatever she was thinking about earlier had been cleared from her mind.

"Sirius… I—," She stopped and started again. "I want to know what's wrong… Please tell me…" She sounded so sincere… No! Sirius stop thinking like that! You _know _that nobody cares about you! _Nobody!_

"Go _away_." I said harshly. It came out more bitter than intended but I liked the affect. Scarlett seemed stunned for a few minutes.

She sat down again. Staring at me. Tears had welled up in her eyes. Why? Why would she cry about _me?_ About _me! _The one that killed James and Lily! It's all my fucking fault!

She was crying now. WHY!? 

"Sirius please tell me!" She said through tears. I stared coldly at her. I felt that feeling that I had before I lost it in front of Remus coming back… no! Your not going to tell her Sirius! Hold yourself together. Or…tell her before you lose it…

"Bad stuff."

She stared at me. "Bad stuff?"

"The guards at Azkaban… The death eaters later on… The dementers…"

I stopped. I wouldn't give her details. That's all she needs to know. Next thing I relised she was over here hugging me. I realised that I had been crying. I didn't mean to but I cant help it… Why am I so god damn emotional?

It felt so good to be hugged by her again. I remembered at Lily and James' wedding when she hugged me before she left to visit her parents in America. That was the last time I saw her.

She pulled away. _No don't leave me please! Please…_

She quickly walked out of the room. Leaving me there. Leaving me alone. Why did you leave me alone? I don't want to be alone… I did earlier but not anymore! Please come back…

~---------~

The next part is going to be CHAPTER ONE. These two things are just the little prologue things. Next chapter you see exactly what happened to Sirius from James and Lily's wedding all the way to and past Azkaban! R&R!

~***ME***~


	3. Chapter one-the good-bye

If the World Were Any Crueler ****

If the World Were Any Crueler

Chapter one-The goodbye

-

a/n. This starts at Lily and James' wedding and flips around the years so just make sure to read the little a/n's telling the time period.

-

The ceremony had been performed; Lily and James were officially married! Now it was just a big paaarrrtttaaayy!! At least in the words of Sirius Black it was. 

"Sirius shut up! You've been babbling since the ceremony ended!"

"Why stop it now? I'm just getting started!"

"Why don't you go… I don't know… bother someone else?"

"Cause your more fun to bother!"

Scarlett couldn't help but smile. "You're a loser."

"Right back at ya"

The conversation had been going on like that for hours—until Scarlett received an owl. Her smile quickly faded and her shoulders slumped.

"Scarlett? What is it?"

She handed Sirius the note.

Dear Scarlett,

Your mother is sick. Please come by, we have everything arranged. We expect you to arrive by tomorrow afternoon so please be on your way.

Love,

Dad

He frowned. "He sounds mean."

"He's not. He just thinks I should act a certain way—anything like you is my fathers definition of 'how you _shouldn't _act'."

"So you're going?"

"Yes."

He looked up at her, using his famous puppy-eyes. She giggled. "NO. I have to go. I think my mom must be pretty sick for my dad to write me."

"When?"

"I need to leave right away. I wont make it in time if I don't." Sirius' frown deepened. Scarlett raised a brow.

"You're leaving _right now?_"

"Yes." She said as she stood up.

He stood up and tried the puppy-eyes again. She hit him in the face. "Stop it! I'll come back in a week or two!" He put his arms around her waist and pouted.

"Why…?"

"Oh come off it! I am going home! You can't change my mind!"

She said as she hugged him. He grinned.

"I cant? No possible way?"

She couldn't help but laugh. "No possible way."

"_No _possible way?" He said just before pulling her into a kiss. When they pulled apart she stepped back and grinned

"Only a week or two!" She said as she left.

She was wrong. She didn't come back in a week or two. Her mom got deathly ill. Her father had a heart attack and died. Leaving only her to care for her mother. She stayed for a year, keeping in close touch with Sirius—till something happened.

Scarlett awoke with a start. It was the middle of the night… and something was wrong. She jumped up from her bed and checked on her mother, who was sound asleep in her bed. Scarlett checked around the house. Everything was fine. She sighed and sat down, relieved that everything was fine. That's when the owl flew in her window with the Daily Prophet.

****

Voldemort Strikes Again!

Lily and James Potter were killed… 

She stopped reading. Lily and James… dead? No… that's possible… 

She dropped it on the floor and ran up to her bedroom when something hit her.

__

Sirius was their secret keeper… 

She went back down and picked up the Prophet. She scanned it to see if it mentioned how Voldemort got them… what happened to the secret keeper.

****

Sirius Black, The Potter's secret keeper, apparently has been spying for Voldemort. We start searching for him in the morning.

She couldn't believe it… it couldn't be true… there is no possible way…

13 years later

Scarlett Aerial Eidias walked along the Muggle road, her hair flying behind her. She had given up on the magical world when her life fell apart. Her boyfriend had killed numerous muggles and two of Scarlett's and his own best friends, and her mother died the next day.

Scarlett still couldn't help but think that maybe… maybe… he is innocent… maybe Sirius Black is innocent…

But if she said that aloud they would suspect her. Plus, it's impossible. What else could have happened? 

She sighed and walked up to her house's doorstep. She put the key into the lock and turned…. It's already unlocked… She cautiously opened the door. She wasn't sure what she expected but it wasn't this. 

"Remus?" She nearly yelled. She felt rage burning in her. She had told Remus to leave her alone, that she didn't want to have anything to do with magic.

"No wait… listen this time! I--,"

He started but she interrupted

"No! Remus I freaking told you I want nothing to do with anything! I never want to see you again now go! NOW!"

"No." He said simply. There was a moment's silence. Remus took that silence to look over Scarlett. She hadn't changed much. But he noticed how skinny she was. Not too skinny but it looked as though she recently stopped eating.

Scarlett took a deep breath. "Fine. What do you want?" She spat.

"I just want to know… why have you abandoned magic?"

"Because I want to forget. So let me be!"

"You won't forget. You know it. So what's the point of doing this? Why don't you come back!"

"Remus I don't want to. Leave me alone!"

"Well then can you at least not ignore me every time I try to talk to you? Maybe… forget everything _else_ but me? I don't have many people to talk to…"

"Ok." She felt her bad mood leave her, feeling a little bad. "Fine…I wont ignore you…"

One year later

That was a large step. Eventually Scarlett returned to the Wizarding world. She bought a flat about a mile from Remus' so they could easily reach each other. They had become best friends again just like in school. 

But Scarlett wasn't happy.

She overlooked the field in her backyard. It was past midnight. The fullmoon cast its glow upon the yellow grass.

She sits there staring into the meadow, her eyes linger slightly on a small night time bird pecking for a late night snack, but she eventually turns her sight to a picture on the window sill. The picture showed a handsome man, about 19 or 20, with jet-black hair and blue eyes which shone mischievously, and a smile to match. He was handsome. In his arms he was holding a girl, around 18, who was laughing idiotically as the man swung her around in his arms. He was a strong one, that Sirius. Scarlett thought grimly. Able to pick me up and throw me around in his arms like that without even straining. She grabbed the picture and threw it against a wall. It shattered.

She looked into the mirror. She hadn't changed at all over the years, really. Her auburn hair glowed with a deep scarlet color to it. Her eyes were a deep blue, nearly purple. She was very beautiful but she didn't see any beauty.

I am dead. Maybe not physically but mentally, I am dead. My heart died 14 years ago. I have hope now though. Remus has visited me. He tries to convince me to keep myself alive. To eat. I do for him. He has lost more than I have. He is my only friend left… 

And _I _to _him_

He seemed so cheery though. He said better times were yet to come… What does he mean by that?

Better times will never come for me. I am 33 and I promise I will keep myself alive at least till 40. I cry at night sometimes… I don't know why I confide to tell you these things. I cry about _him…_I can't believe he could do that… to Lily and James… Why would he… how could he?

She sighed.

I miss him and I cant live without him. I want him dead but at the same time I _need him alive!_

She looked outside again. She looked up to the full moon.

Remus, I hope your alright during your transformations. 

I couldn't stand to lose more if… something happened…

She got up and pulled down the window shade, blocking the moon from view. She suddenly had a bad feeling… the feeling she felt years ago… when Lily and James died… When Sirius killed those muggles… she felt it again.

She didn't do anything about it. She knew that those feelings meant something…but…but she never found out till it was too late. So what was the point? She went towards the stairs and went upstairs to her bedroom. She lied down, ignoring the strange feeling and praying nothing would happen.

~-----------~

Remus felt the searing pain as he transformed. Everything flashed white until finally, it all stopped. He stood up. He was able to keep control because of Wolfsbane potion but had never gone outside just in case. Maybe just today… he thought… I have a feeling I should.

He padded out the door towards the woods. He padded along but then froze—What was that noise? Whimpering… whimpering from a dog…

He sniffed.

SIRIUS! He immediately thought. He darted into a clearing nearby to find Sirius lying there unconscious. He must have just transformed before he passed out…

Remus walked over and carefully grabbed the sleeve of Sirius' torn robe and pulled. He pulled and pulled for nearly an hour. How come this is taking so long? Finally when he reached the house he struggled for a bit to open the door, then dragged Sirius in. 

He dragged Sirius into the house and stopped, panting. _I'll have to leave him here till I transform._ HE thought. He jumped up and went into the closet to pull out a blanket and struggle, in his wolf form, to get the blanket over Sirius.

He glanced at the clock. The moon was to set soon. He got up and walked to a different room.

The familiar pain swept over his body and left at the same terrifying speed. When it was done he lie there for awhile, then remembered about Sirius. He got up weakly and pulled out his wand, using it to lift Sirius up and put him on the couch by the fire, to warm him up.

Remus left the room to get some sleep.

~-----------~

Warmth… I feel it now… I haven't felt it in years… I was close to feeling it many times… but Azkaban's memories prevented me… Now I was feeling it… warmth.

Sirius opened his eyes to brightness. Cheery yellow wallpaper with white trimmings. A fireplace next to him. He stared at the picture on the mantelpiece. The four boys standing there showing off their new identical tattoos on their arms made his mouth go dry with sadness.

The one on the right, Peter. He was the odd one out. Always on the edge of things. He was the only one not smiling in the picture. Why didn't we notice then how peculiar he was? It would have turned out so much better… The next one… the next one is I, Sirius Black. I had a cunning smile. Something I lost in Azkaban as well. It shall return I know, but I have yet to see the day. My hair was falling into my face. I always liked my hair like that. Even now my hair does that. The next person… James. James Potter, leader of the marauders. His dark hair was falling into his face. And Remus, a bit angry in that picture because James had tricked him. The memories… painful but good. 

Where am I? Not only had that thought totally slipped Sirius' mind, but so did the vase he had picked up to look at, as someone grabbed his shoulder. He fell. He didn't need to fall but it reminded him… of…of _them_…

The guards at Azkaban who were there to make sure the Dementors were under control had a tendency to abuse the prisoners… and thoroughly enjoy it. Sirius fell to his knees and covered my head for protection against whatever was coming. He don't know why, usually in this case he would have spun around to see whom it was… but lately his mind had been in Azkaban… at what he would have done _there._

"Sirius?" Asked a concerned voice. "Sirius, it's ok. It's me, Remus." He said. Sirius knew why he sounded so damn concerned. He wasn't supposed to know how evil the guards were. Nobody was supposed to know how they treated anyone. People thought that the Dementors were enough and that if the guards were cruel too, they wouldn't agree. Sirius peered up and stood, very weakly. Not daring to look Remus in the eye, as when he did in the past he had a tendency to know what was going on.

"Sirius, are you alright? Your lucky I had been wondering in wolf form. If I had decided to stay inside you would have died for sure."

I stayed quiet; not sure that I could speak… he had no idea what I had been through since last year, when I spoke to him briefly.

It had all been terribly difficult. I had nearly died numerous times. I had gotten others in danger, and I felt guilty for more than I could handle. I found what a wonderful color red was… red flowers, red Christmas wrapping, red blood…

Remus sensed the dark memories coming up in him and forced Sirius to sit down. His mood had gotten harder. He needed to know what was wrong with his friend. He wanted to help and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Sirius tell me what's wrong. _Now._" He said firmly. Often times because he was a werewolf people would listen to him when he took that tone. Oh, Moony, you're forgetting who you're talking to. Remus slumped his shoulders frustratedly after a few moments.

"Sirius. I swear I will get Scarlett here if you don't talk."

"Fine." He croaked out, his voice hoarse from the forcefulness of it. "Get her. I don't care. You will not know what is wrong. There _is _nothing wrong." he lied. Of course something was wrong. But he told the truth at 'you will not know what is wrong'.

He sighed. Remus isn't one to make threats and not forfill them if his word is not met. So he grabbed a quill.

"You sure?" He said half-expecting Sirius to stop him. _Moony you idiot, getting Scarlett here would never change anything, I actually want to see her, of course this gives me the chance to tell her the truth…_

Remus wrote a quick note and sent it out. Clearly he was disappointed. 

"Sirius, please, I find you out there, starving and frozen. I took you into here to help you and when you wake up your worse than you were when you first got here… I need to know what's wrong… Why don't you trust me? You can tell me!" He exclaimed. Sirius heard the hurt in his voice.

He's thinking about Peter. About why I chose Peter over him. 

I shook my head. I can't tell him. Why can't I tell him? Why? I am just being stubborn now… Oh well. I feel I am doing right not telling him. He takes things too far. He will not ever know about the terrible things I saw…

He heard the knock on the door and Sirius felt his body stiffen. _Dear god I should have stopped him! _Sirius thought bitterly. Remus saw the fear on his face.

" I could send her away if you tell me…"

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut. No I cant handle seeing her again. Not now.

Sirius nodded. Remus grinned forcefully. And went to the door. Sirius listened closely.

"Remus? What is it?" she asked_… Scarlett… my Scarlett… I wanted so much just to run over there and kiss her. I barely remember what she looks like… but I remember her voice… her soothing voice._

"Nothing anymore… could you wait in the kitchen just in case though?"

She responded in a suspicious voice "Alright…"

When Remus came back he sat down across from Sirius. Sirius had tears streaming down his face. _Scarlett's voice… the only memory I had of her._

"Sirius?"

He snapped. He was sobbing relentlessly and blabbering on and on about the terrors he had had over the past year. So many most would think that someone would have died. Sirius nearly did. A many of times. Sirius found himself on the floor eventually. He was curled in a ball huddled on the floor sobbing into his knees while Remus stared. He had talked myself into hysterics. When Sirius gained control he didn't remember what he had done, but a vase had crashed onto the floor next to him and was in ruins. The window was cracked. He must've thrown something at it.

They both heard a voice from the kitchen.

"R-Remus? What's going on…?" it was a frightened voice. A concerned voice more like it.

Remus glanced at Sirius. He understood. After being around each other so much they understood lots. Sirius was still in a ball on the floor. He moved to the corner of the room. The darkest corner he could, and I sat there crying into my robes as Remus went into the kitchen. Sirius knew he was telling her about him. About the truth, knowing that Sirius probably never would. 

__

I was afraid. I still am afraid.

~--------~

I couldn't believe it. Remus told me about Sirius convincing James and Lily to take Peter as secret-keeper, how Peter framed Sirius, and what happened the year that Sirius escaped. He stopped there and stared at me.

"And last night, I found him passed out in the woods."

My jaw dropped. I wiped the tears that were running down my face off. "H-he's _here?_"

"Yes. That's what all that noise was. He just about lost it while telling me of the more recent things."

"More recent?"

Remus looked slightly depressed. It got worse when she said that. "Some rough stuff that happened over the past year."

Scarlett was still crying. She felt bad. Very bad. And also a little scared. And anxious…. She wanted to see Sirius.

"C-can I see him?"

Remus bit his lip, thinking. "I'm not sure… He threw my vase at the window…"

"I want to see him."

"Ok…" Remus, said as he stood up. He walked into the room, Scarlett clinging behind him. They stepped into the dark room. Scarlett stayed hidden behind Remus. She just stood there for a bit then she peered out.

Sirius sat in the far corner half his face hidden with shadows

"Sirius, you've managed to kill my vase and crack my window. If I were a Muggle I'd be out to kill." 

She then noticed that Remus had walked away. Sirius closed his eyes and turned his head so it was almost completely out of view, hidden in the shadows.

She saw the look of rage come on his face then it flashed back to that deep depressive look..

Scarlett sat down on the couch, avoiding his hard stare. She had started to get a headache.

Scarlett heard him snigger. She looked at him. He had a cruel look on his face and had a small forced smile pasted on.

Remus was staring at him. Sirius looked up his face half hidden in shadows from the corner. Sirius and Remus always had a way to communicate without talking. Sirius then buried his face in his knees, just as Remus looked away.

Scarlett hid herself behind cushions on the couch but was watching Sirius still. She glanced to Remus questioningly.

Remus turned to Sirius who lifted his head so only his eyes shone in the darkness of the corner.

"Sirius, I didn't tell Scarlett about anything that came after you escaped. I think you should tell her—just don't brake anything please!" He said as he backed to the door. He looked at Scarlett and walked out shutting the door behind him.

"Go away." Was all Sirius said. Scarlett felt a stab in her chest as he said that. She felt so bad for him… so bad that she had ever thought him guilty…

Scarlett got up, determined to know what was wrong and help him.

"Sirius… I—," She stopped and started again. "I want to know what's happened… Please tell me…" an odd look crossed Sirius' face of confusion and then anger as if he were debating something inside his head

"Go _away_." he said harshly. Scarlett stood stunned for a few minutes.

She sat down again. Staring at Sirius. Tears had welled up in her eyes.

Scarlett found herself crying. Crying for what they had done to the man she had loved… and crying for the joy that he was back and not guilty.

"Sirius please tell me!" She said through tears. He stared coldly at her. He felt that feeling that he had before he lost it in front of Remus coming back and held it in, limiting it to a few words.

"Bad stuff."

She stared at Sirius. "Bad stuff?"

"The guards at Azkaban… The death eaters later on… The Dementors…"

Sirius stopped, now just staring at the floor. Scarlett got up and darted over, wrapping her arms around him. She felt him start crying again. He eventually returned the hug. She pulled away. He looked up at her pleadingly, tears still streaming down his face.

She backed out of the room, tears staining her face. She left. She shut the door and leaned against it just thinking for awhile.

She could hear Sirius talking aloud to himself…

__

"Don't leave me! Why did you leave? Damn it! Please… please…"

His voice was pained and tortured.

She quickly moved away from it as Remus walked in.

~---------~

Remus and Scarlett were talking outside the door. I could hear the voices but I was still sobbing and mumbling under my breath. Pleading for someone to come in so I wouldn't be alone.

I fell asleep in that corner. I fell asleep leaning against the wall so that my face wouldn't show. I fell asleep, yet I was still awake. My mind was still awake actually.

---Dream sequence---

__

Sirius walks along the blank area. Everything is gray. There is absolutely no color. There is light… or maybe not…maybe it was just nothingness that was brighter than the rest… either way, this place made Sirius feel uncomfortable.

He kept walking; he noticed a small breeze blowing at his face. He kept on walking. Five minutes. Ten minutes. A half-hour. A large clock was following him around showing him how long. Sirius noticed the wind was bellowing in large gusts now, going against him. He pulled forward and struggled. Pictures flashed through his head. Of Peter the instant before he framed Sirius—the small smile that came across his lips. Of James and Lily's dead bodies…of Harry as a baby, wailing in terror and pain, blood streaming from the gash in his forehead…of the Dementors…

Then the intoxicating smell filled his nose, the taste, a bittersweet memory coursed through his body causing him to shudder. He looked at his hand—no not his hand. The pills _in his hand. HE blinked. The pills were no longer there. Now in Sirius' hand was a needle—it was filled with something…something that Sirius longed for but didn't want. He threw them to the ground and ran, still trembling._

He tried to run away from the cruel pictures but they follow him, haunting him no matter where he run in this nothingness. Suddenly he felt a terrifying jolt as the nothing of a floor… dropped. HE was falling now, falling into a house… Raging flames licked at his skin and he wailed in agony. The bright orange glowed fiercely yet the stillness of everything made him feel eerily at ease…The flames stung as they licked at his clothes, catching fire.

He yelled out. He knew what happened next before it happened. This was not a nightmare—it was a real thing that Sirius was reliving. He looked up waiting for the pain and agony of the next moment. He was right, the ceiling fell in. Sirius felt the weight crushing bones in his legs arms and possibly ribs…

--End dream sequence—

Sirius jerked his head up, slamming it against the wall. He wailed in pain and jumped up. Only then did he notice Remus and Scarlett watching him. He looked out the window. It was the next morning. He was sweating harshly and still shaking. That was not the first time he had had that dream—no—but that was the first time _drugs_ had come up in it.

This was also the first time he woke up feeling so weak and light-headed.

He stumbled forward and the collapsed. Remus went over to help him, telling Scarlett to stay where she was. Remus helped Sirius stand up and led him out of the room. He looked at Sirius, concern written across his face.

"IS there something you haven't told me?" He asked.

"Do you have any pain killers. Muggle stuff?" Sirius asked, his voice in a monotone.

"Yeah… why?"

"Ca' I have one." He said, the question part of it not really showing from the way he was speaking.

"Yeah… ok…" Remus said as he eyed Sirius.

Sirius watched Remus carefully. _The painkillers… not Meth or L but good enough…_Sirius thought. He didn't like needing these drugs—having such irresistible urges to have them. But he couldn't stop it.

Remus watched Sirius curiously as he handed Sirius the small container of Muggle painkillers. Sirius poured nearly the whole thing in his hand and shoved it in his pocket.

"No way. Get those out of there and put them back in the container. I see what's going on now." Remus said as he grabbed Sirius' hand before he threw two of the pills into his mouth. The container dropped and the pills spilt on the floor. Sirius collapsed to his knees and began scooping them up frantically.

"Sirius!" Remus knocked Sirius over and held him on the ground. "I don't know how the hell this happened but I am not letting this take you over. What did you leave out of your story yesterday."

"I _need _them… please Remus!"

"No you don't! When did you start taking drugs?"

"Azkaban… the-the guy in the cell… across from me … he would throw… throw the bottle to me…to me… the guards didn't care… they gladly would give others needles to inject them and sometimes the g-guy would give me the pill ki-kind… I need more…"

"What drugs exactly? What kind?"

"Meth mostly…when I had a needle…acid other times…cause it can be a pill… just let me have _those!_" He said as he frantically tried to reach and grab the pills.

"Meth? Acid? I don't know street terms!"

"Methamphetamine and LSD…Lysergic Acid

Diethylamide…" Sirius said. He was looking slightly dizzy. Remus wondered what his dream was about to make him crave drugs. _I should ask…_

"Why do you want drugs _now? _Not last night?"

"In the dream… god…I felt it… I felt the same feeling…I need more!" He said as he pushed up, but Remus held him down.

Remus shook his head. His friend was losing it. Remus remembered, years after the Potters' death but before going to teach, when he turned to mostly Muggle stuff. He wanted to be a police officer. He remembered hearing of all the drugs—especially LSD. 

He brought himself back to the Muggle-police training.

__

"LSD is a hallucinogen. It can cause distorted perceptions, increased heart rate and blood pressure; and like almost all illegal drugs, they can lead to seizures, coma, heart attack or stroke, overdose, and even death.

LSD isn't an addictive drug, but Many LSD users experience swapbacks, recurrence of certain aspects of a person's experience, without the user having the drug again. A swapbacks occurs suddenly, often without

Warning, and may occur within a few days or more than a year after LSD use. Flashbacks usually occur in people who use hallucinogens chronically or have an underlying personality problem; however, otherwise healthy people who use LSD occasionally may also have swapbacks. Bad trips and

Swapbacks are only part of the risks of LSD use. LSD users may manifest relatively long-lasting psychoses, such as schizophrenia or severe depression. It is difficult to determine the extent and

Mechanism of the LSD involvement in these illnesses.

So he had a swapback. It made him remember the feeling. He wanted that feeling again.

"Sirius. Come on." Remus said as he helped Sirius up. Sirius watched the pills on the floor longingly as Remus scooped them up and threw them away.

Remus looked at him. Sirius was leaning against the wall, and beginning to calm down. Apparently the dream made him feel like he did when on the drugs, only now was it wearing off.

"How long have you been taking these." Remus asked, a little angry that his friend could have _ever _taken drugs. How stupid of him.

"I-I don't know… all I know is I stopped after Azkaban… I didn't think I would ever want it again… then… last year… someone forced me… forced me to take some Meth… then acid…I don't remember what happened after that… only that I woke up in the house… burning up…"

Remus nodded. _It must have been a few years at least then._

Only then did he hear the faint whimper from the corner of the room. Remus looked to the corner and swore under his breath. Scarlett had been watching. Remus looked to Sirius, who hadn't turned his head, but he knew Scarlett heard. He just stared at the floor.

~------~

Sirius fiddled with the small charm in his hand as Remus spoke.

"Well, there is no way that we can get him help! He is still thought to be a murderer! We just got to help him deal with it."

They spoke quietly but Sirius could still hear them, though they didn't know it.

Scarlett sighed. "How did this happen? I didn't hear."

"Some guy in a cell near his in Azkaban gave him the stuff."

"Do we actually know _why _he did it?"

"No actually…" 

"Shall we ask?"

"No need." Sirius said, annoyed that they couldn't at _least _go to a different room to talk about it.

"Oh…sorry Sirius… well… since you heard…"

"I took it because there was nothing else _to _do. There it was, I was bored, already slit my wrists, I thought maybe _that _would kill me."

Scarlett was on the verge of tears with that. She held it back by blinking furiously. Remus saw that but said nothing.

"I want more." Sirius said bitterly. Now he was just depressed and wanted something to make him feel better.

That did it. Scarlett got up slapped him across the face and ran out of the room crying. Sirius did nothing. Just stared forward. But Remus saw the pain. He knew that Sirius hated this. So he didn't worry about Sirius. Maybe he should have. But he didn't and that was it.

~-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

All right here's some A/N crap.

Yes, the plot has NOT yet been revealed. It will after a few more chapters of this mindless shit! Unless you all like this mindless shit? Then if you _do _like mindless shit, I will keep this one mindless and romantic-y while I create a crossover to do with the plot. Please tell me what you think I should do!

~~~~~***ME***~~~~~

Maybe I should make ME my pen name… any objections? Someone probably already has it though… 


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